Caged and Cornered

So this morning started out normal enough aside from the fact that I’m kicking a head cold and woke up stuffed-up with a hoarse voice and cotton-mouth. As we were leaving for work I got into my car to grab something and on her way out of the house my wife presumptuously barked “I already got your cards outta there”. With eyes like daggers I zinged back with a big fuck you disguised as “Turn off the light in the house”! Touche. This pissed me off because she ALWAYS does that shit. It doesn’t matter if I’m driving or what, she acts like I’m retarded and thank god she’s around because I would forget to put on clothes and wander off into a blizzard. I’ve told her I hate when she’s bossy, it’s very immasculating and contributes to my low self-esteem which is already bad enough. My tactic is usually to just kind of mention that it makes me feel stupid and I have my own social security number for a reason when she does it, but today it had finally hit a critical mass and I’d had enough of it so shit really hit the fan on the way to school.

I brought up a really old issue that drove a wedge between us that I legitimately still relive and get pissed about but that she thinks should be dead and buried. I don’t blame her for thinking this way because I would probably be the same, but she cut me pretty deep and it very nearly ended our marriage. It didn’t help that I took my son to our school’s wrestling duel last night and he was there hanging out behind where the athletes sit with all his smuggliness like he was part of the fucking team and not somebody that shouldn’t even be allowed near a school because of all the inappropriate shit he’s pulled with underage girls and everything all came rushing back to me and I just wanted to shoot him in the fucking face! I still have my hopes up because several students have complained so maybe he can be gotten rid of for good unless he pulls the race card again.

I’ve built a really good security apparatus with unlimited recall ability.

I also bashed her parents even though I love them and they really are pretty sweet in-laws. They do however know how to strike a nerve when they offer unsolicited advice which, now that I think about it, mimics what my wife has been doing to me so I can see where she picked it up. I hate being made to feel dependent or subordinate to anyone.

By the time we got to the day-care to drop off our son we were at the peak of our meanness as the argument blazed out. I think part of that has to do with how frustratingly fast things can go downhill when we it seems like things are going too well between us. It also sucks when things we had planned for the weekend are cancelled because we hate each other. The worst part of all may be that I know she thinks I’m the asshole and she’s the poor beaten and abused wife who is sure to portray that to her friends five minutes later when they start texting each other.

I guess I just feel like not only an animal that has been domesticated, which is how it goes when you chose to settle down and start a family, but one that is caged up and proded at just enough to resent the aggressor. Once that aggressor prods one too many times somebody’s pulling a stump back out of the cage. I always feel terrible when our communication breaks down and we hurt each other but it is what it is.

I’m wondering how many others have experienced something similar and how do you cope? How do I let go of past wrongs even though I emotionally relive them just like they are happening? How do I stop ruminating and obsessing about everything?


~ by vann1912 on 9 December, 2011.

2 Responses to “Caged and Cornered”

  1. […] Caged and Cornered About meThe rundown Archives […]

  2. […] “at least she’s never sent me naked pictures”, referring to the chimo I mentioned here. This was a dick move on my part, and I felt terrible for mentioning it because I really do believe […]

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