Defeated/Discouraged/Dejected/Despondent/Disillusioned/Depressed

I haven’t posted for a while, not that I have throngs of readers anyways. This blog is more for getting things off my chest, and if that is entertaining or enlightening to someone else then great, I love helping and pleasing others to a fault. I am always putting my needs on the backburner to make people happy. I felt Debbie Downer coming out yesterday, not that the preceding week was a cakewalk but now things are really shitty as I move through the grieving process.

I got completely fucked out of a position I had been told of in advance by someone with some pull who had given me the explicit impression that when the next opportunity opened up it was my turn because I had put in my time and done all the right things and the decision should be theirs to make. It turns out it was not ultimately their decision. Another person was in fact chosen, a person who had been handpicked for a similar position at another school I applied to where I didn’t have an “in” and didn’t even get an interview. The building administrator gave me a bold-faced lie when I went in to talk to him about it. This position is something I’ve been working towards for over 5 years and would have literally been life changing for me to have gotten, especially financially, but instead I’m left holding a pile of shit.

At first I was in disbelief that the rug had been pulled out from under me like that. After taking mental ownership for the position a month before it was even made official and posted for applications I felt absolutely betrayed and crushed. I honestly didn’t know about the dog and pony show I was expected to put on for the interview. Instead of answering questions concisely I needed to say the right things and hit certain talking points to score enough points to meet the selection committee’s preset criteria. I’m pissed that something was taken away from me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m pissed that the person they selected thinks he earned the position. I’m sick and tired of all that shit I have to put up with from administrators and students and parents and politicians. So that’s where I’m coming from.

I am mad at the world and feel like rolling over and staying in bed pretty much every day, yet I trudge on for my family and hoping for redemption at some point. To not let this setback get the best of me I have been trying to stay positive and keep up with my workouts and diet. I have tried to keep a positive and optimistic mindset knowing that another similar position will be opening up in the not so distant future at a school where I do have an “in” and now that I know which buttons to push I should have a shot. That and I haved worked there and my wife works and coaches there. But I really wonder how much loyalty and integrity is left in the world.

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~ by vann1912 on 8 February, 2012.

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